Peeking Out

It's been almost 10 months since I last wrote anything in my blog, and it has been so bittersweet for me to sit and read the last several posts I had written.  I felt all the warmth of family in everything I wrote.  That was the sweet part.  The bitter part was knowing what has happened since my last post that has chilled the warmth of family I so treasured and worked so hard to nurture.  Our family is breaking apart, and along with it, my heart.

As I read through previous posts, a couple things jumped out at me that prompted me to begin peeking out of my isolation and coming to terms publicly with what has happened in my life. (Seems safe enough, since it doesn't appear many read this blog anyway, which is OK right now.) The first thing that stirred my heart was in my post about the Cancer Walk back in October of last year.  I edified sisterhood as being the blessing of having another version of yourself to verify without judgment whatever you were going through, no matter how mammoth or trivial.  I even lamented out loud that I felt badly for not being able to fully "get" the dark place my sister had been in during the months of her cancer experience.  Did God somehow take that as a prayer?

Just two months after I wrote those words, my world would be shattered beyond anything I could have ever imagined would happen to me. And I plummeted into darkness. Since then my sister and I have discussed in such reverent depth all of the God questions we both struggled to understand, and she and my other sister have truly been other versions of myself, showing me love and support like I never knew.  They (and my parents), hurt with me as if what was happening to me was happening to them.  There are no words for what it feels like to be loved like that, especially when you thought you were loved like that, but he just couldn't come through.

The second thing that stirred in me was something God has been showing me through this whole ordeal of my marriage coming apart.  God has been reminding me of all the prayers I have prayed in the past - the ones I prayed earnestly and fervently... you know, the ones that "availeth much"?  He has shown me that He does, indeed, hear those prayers, and just because we may stop praying them or move on to other needs and requests, He keeps a record of our hearts' cries, and continues to bring about answers.

So when I prayed a gazillion times for my husband to find the courage to be a Godly man and be totally surrendered to God, somehow God is answering that prayer. Perhaps God is using the breakup of my marriage to answer it.  Perhaps Doug is not the one who will be that courageous, surrendered Godly man, though he is my heart's deepest desire.  But ultimately, perhaps God  is giving me an even deeper desire I cannot know right now.  Other prayers I have prayed have crossed my mind in my struggle with God as well.  I actually devoted an entire year once to understanding what the Bible meant by "knowing Him in His suffering and the power of His resurrection."  I actually told God I wanted to understand what that meant!  "Bingo, here you go, sister!"  Believe me, I get the suffering part now... I'm ready for the power part, thank you very much!
So when I read the Oct 6th post about India titled, "So Here's the Thing - We're Non-Begging Beggars", I was again stopped and quieted.  The last paragraph says this, "So I have begun praying for God to show me where I am desperate for Him.  "Where do I need you most, God, and don't even know it?"  Where is it that my soul hungers and thirsts for you?"  "Where am I filling myself with busyness or pride or folly or food or apathy instead of coming to you and letting you fill me?"  Wow, we should really be careful what we pray for.  Honestly, some of these prayers I'm not sure I would pray again, though I think where He is leading me is to that sacred, deeply grateful place where we are actually wistful about our trials, knowing the closeness with Him is worth it all.  

Sometime I'll have to write about that desperation.  I have found exactly where I'm desperate for Him, but that will have to wait for another post.  Maybe I'll see if anyone is reading first!

So, Here's the Thing, We're non-Begging Beggars

Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories of how you found Joy after a difficult season in your life. Keep sending them in; I love hearing them, and there is plenty of room for more!

Here's one of the things I and my walking buddy have been talking about recently.  See if you agree.  I mentioned in my blog while I was in India that what always strikes me when I'm there is how completely desperate the women there are for God.  When they ask you to pray for them, they prize those prayers as if they were the highest payment, the most valuable gem in the world.  When they pray together (something we often feel uncomfortable doing here, or at least don't typically practice regularly), there it sounds like stepping out of a soundproof booth into a sports arena.  It's deafening. 

We aren't desperate for God here.  We barely need him.  At least we act like we don't.  We certainly aren't without struggles, though.  We all face them.  Our lives seem to be about trying to get through the latest turmoil or trying to get ahead financially.  "If I can just hang in there until this is over, then I can rest."  Or "If we can make it til the end of the year bonus, we can pay off these debts."  But we always want more.  We're seldom satisfied.  Enough is never enough.  Too much is not even enough!  We aren't always the happiest people around either.  We are depressed, overworked, exhausted, angry whiners and complainers.  I mean we cover it well, of course.  We don't want people to KNOW we're depressed, angry whiners and complainers.  (Being overworked and exhausted seems to be OK for people to know.)  And we do pray about these things.  We go to therapy or a financial counselor.  We read books and go to Bible Studies and seminars.  And sometimes we find some help.  Mostly though, it seems we find new ways to cope.  New strategies to try.  New ways of looking at things.  And therapy can be good!  Financial counseling can be good!  Bible Studies and seminars and books can be good!  We actually need all the help we can get, right?

I am a trained as a Christian Counselor and I believe strongly in emotional and mental health, and I know that God uses many means for our help and healing. Absolutely He uses therapy and books and seminars and His word and nature and conversations with friends, and a host of other ways to speak to us and guide us. But why aren't there more endings to problems? Why aren't there more people being set free? Why aren't we experiencing more real and lasting change? Where in my life does God desire more for me than for me to just "feeling my feelings" when I am troubled and I automatically turn to other means of coping?

So here's the thing.  If the God we serve is the Healer and the Counselor, why do we continue to stay more wrapped up in our problems and our sicknesses than we are about what HE wants for our lives?  Or put another way; Where is the healing?  Where is the help?  Addictions are growing at a faster rate, affecting a greater and more diverse cross-section of our world than ever before.  More marriages are breaking up than ever before.  More children are left to bear the scars into adulthood of their unstable families of origin than ever before.  And we are Christians!  Where is God in our lives?  Where is His changing power?  How is He making a difference?  How are our lives any different than those who don't profess a relationship with God? 

I like the phrase "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven."  It's so true.  We certainly are far from perfect.  But it can also be a cop-out that means, don't judge me me, don't hold me to any standard, don't watch my life, don't expect anything from me.   So my new favorite phrase is "Beggars showing other beggars where to find Bread" (differing opinions on sourcing that one,  often incorrectly attributed to Martin Luther, possibly D.T. Niles; so I'm going with Anonymous.) 

I love that I came to a place where I realized, although I was raised with an unspoken "Us" vs. "Them" mentality, that we are ALL "Them"!  We are all beggars!  We are all hopelessly lost in our sins, our struggles, our addictions, our pride, and ourselves, really.  Of course I have capitalized the B in 'Bread' to mean the Living Christ, the Bread of Life, the only true nourishment for our souls and our lives and our problems.  The only One out there who can actually SAVE us from ourselves and our messed up ways.  And I have changed the 'telling' to 'showing', because I like the idea of walking alongside someone and bringing them to the One who is the answer for all their problems.  I am, after all, a counselor, who should be walking alongside, not merely telling.  "Beggars showing other beggars where to find Bread".  Awesome.

But even with that being my favorite phrase and something to aspire to, it doesn't seem we are as desperate as beggars.  It doesn't seem the Bread is really filling and really nourishing us when we do find it.  Perhaps it is difficult for me to see it since I, and many of my friends, have been raised in the church, and our lives haven't been dramatically changed.  I've loved Jesus for as long as I can remember.  But shouldn't that be all the more reason to know how desperate I am for him?  How desperate my life would be without Him?  Wouldn't I be a pro by now at having Him help me with my struggles?  Shouldn't there BE a difference in my life? 



So I have begun praying for God to show me where I am desperate for Him.  "Where do I need you most, God, and don't even know it?"  Where is it that my soul hungers and thirsts for you?"  "Where am I filling myself with busyness or pride or folly or food or apathy instead of coming to you and letting you fill me?" 

I'll let you know what He says.  Maybe.