Let the Celebration Begin!

Today my scripture reading was the prayer Solomon prayed when he dedicated the Temple. Since I've been out of order with my Bible reading, my heart splatted when I saw the heading "Dedication of the Temple." That's where I should be about now... dedicating the Temple I purposed to restore in January of 2007. I estimated it would take me about a year and a half to "restore the Temple" (my body), and that would put me right about now for a dedication ceremony (celebration, who are we kidding?!).

Have you ever had that feeling you had wasted months toward a goal when you stop to realize where you would be now if you had just stuck with it? You would be in shape, or sizes smaller, or that much closer to a degree or vacation savings or a new car, or whatever? I hate it when that happens.

I read how all of Israel had partied their hearts out for almost an entire month because of Solomon's faithfulness. By the end of the chapter when the disgustingly disciplined and dutiful King finally sends the people home, I was feeling so disgusted with myself I simply had to turn to my newly-realized coping mechanism to deal with it all. I started thinking, "Yeah, well if I hadn't blown out my ankle in July... that cost me 2 months of walking. And then my knee started acting up in November, which I'm still in therapy for! And by the time I got that 7-week virus this year, it was all over. Who could keep up any sort of fitness routine with those setbacks? Besides, Solomon probably had an entourage who, at the snap of a finger, made sure he succeeded no matter what!"

So, feeling quite smug and justified with my failure, I closed my Bible and reached for a devotional (My Utmost for His Highest... what WAS I thinking!?). And I knew I was in the middle of a Providential conference when the very first sentence read, "We have to form habits to express what God's grace has done in us.." OK, the forming habits thing I got right away. It's what I continually beat myself up over. I can have 24 hours worth of good habits, but I am plagued with self-condemnation for the ONE habit I may lack.

But I wasn't hearing condemnation here in this little conference the Holy Spirit had obviously arranged. I was hearing the gentle and ever-grace-filled purpose for forming habits... "to express what God's grace has done in us." Oswald Chambers (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit, in this case), goes on to say it's not a question of our salvation, but to allow Christ's life to be expressed through my mortal flesh. And how better for Him to really be seen and understood than in the disagreeable parts of myself. Not those things which are easy for me, but through my greatest struggles. So there is no way that good habit could be through my own doing... I just don't have it in me. Not to mention how all the roadblocks life throws in my path (injured ankles, bad knees, illnesses, etc.) push me farther down the failure's path.

So I'm right back to obedience again. Obedience is the key. I knew it all along. I've wrestled with it. I've tried it. I've even been successful at being obedient (for a time). But where's the grace in that? And so, I'm right back to that old legalistic thinking I've worked so hard to get away from.

Then He shows me what this little conference is all about. Another teaching moment. Another lesson to learn. A little farther down I read, "You must keep yourself fit (no doubt, spiritually, but certainly physically for me!), to let the life of the Son of God be manifested, and you cannot keep yourself fit if you give way to self-pity." Yikes! Me? Self-pity? Seems I've been found out and I didn't even know I was the culprit!

So what if I do indulge in self-pity when I fail? No one actally knows it. It's not like I visibly wallow in it. Mostly, I try to avoid any public displays of self-pity at all costs. So what's the lesson really about here? Again I hear a piercing reply.

Self-pity sets in to cover one of two things that are too painful for us face. It's a most classic coping mechanism, albeit also a most pathetic one. Either we feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for our part in a failure or lacking, or there is present a paralyzing fear which prevents us from overcoming the obstacle we face. "Poor me" says "There was nothing I could do", but covers "There was plenty I could have done, I just didn't do it." Or "Poor me" says, "There's no use trying, it will never happen for me", but covers "I'm too afraid (of the outcome, of failure, of success, etc.), to go through with this."

So which is it for me? What is my self-pity covering? Guilt or fear? After much reflection, I have to admit, it's a little of both. I hate that I didn't push through and stick with my Temple Restoration, despite the setbacks. The guilt is truly overwhelming. I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. I must admit I kept a forward momentum throughout the busted ankle ordeal, but the knee injury and subsequent setbacks were just too much. There I go again with that self-pity thing.

The fear factor really had me baffled. Was I afraid to finish? Am I afraid to finish now? This one is too deep for this blog, but for a hundred million reasons I must confess I am fearful at once of failure and success. That's not a pretty thing to discover about yourself. So where do I go from here? What struck me next was most amazing.

In this providential conference we were having, the Holy Spirit prompted the question. "What are the antidotes to guilt and fear?" After much thinking, I realized they were Grace and Trust. SMACK! There it was! The two concepts I have the most difficulty with. One is passive, the other active. One I accept, the other I give. One I acknowledge, the other I effort. One envelopes me, the other exudes me. The only way to be liberated from guilt is accepting the non-condemning, wholly-accepting Grace the Father has for me whether I succeed or fail or even attempt. That is so counter to the core of who I am. And the only way to be set free from the bonds of fear that keep me from rising to my greatest potential is choosing to Trust in him who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all I could ever even think of, much less ask for.

"Well, that's easy enough", I retort jokingly to the invisible members of this conference. "I'll simply put this past year behind me, extending to myself (and all my nasty little failures!), all the Grace you have extended to me. Likewise, I will step out again on the road to Restoration, kicking out of the way every fear that dares cross my path, trusting you every step of the way. Piece of cake!"

"Don't be so flippant. It is exactly as simple as you have stated. Of course, however, it's not as easy for you as it sounds. It is the disagreeable in you that, given to me every time, will exhibit what my Grace has done in you. After all, if it were easy, everyone would be doing it."