As I read through previous posts, a couple things jumped out at me that prompted me to begin peeking out of my isolation and coming to terms publicly with what has happened in my life. (Seems safe enough, since it doesn't appear many read this blog anyway, which is OK right now.) The first thing that stirred my heart was in my post about the Cancer Walk back in October of last year. I edified sisterhood as being the blessing of having another version of yourself to verify without judgment whatever you were going through, no matter how mammoth or trivial. I even lamented out loud that I felt badly for not being able to fully "get" the dark place my sister had been in during the months of her cancer experience. Did God somehow take that as a prayer?
Just two months after I wrote those words, my world would be shattered beyond anything I could have ever imagined would happen to me. And I plummeted into darkness. Since then my sister and I have discussed in such reverent depth all of the God questions we both struggled to understand, and she and my other sister have truly been other versions of myself, showing me love and support like I never knew. They (and my parents), hurt with me as if what was happening to me was happening to them. There are no words for what it feels like to be loved like that, especially when you thought you were loved like that, but he just couldn't come through.
The second thing that stirred in me was something God has been showing me through this whole ordeal of my marriage coming apart. God has been reminding me of all the prayers I have prayed in the past - the ones I prayed earnestly and fervently... you know, the ones that "availeth much"? He has shown me that He does, indeed, hear those prayers, and just because we may stop praying them or move on to other needs and requests, He keeps a record of our hearts' cries, and continues to bring about answers.
So when I prayed a gazillion times for my husband to find the courage to be a Godly man and be totally surrendered to God, somehow God is answering that prayer. Perhaps God is using the breakup of my marriage to answer it. Perhaps Doug is not the one who will be that courageous, surrendered Godly man, though he is my heart's deepest desire. But ultimately, perhaps God is giving me an even deeper desire I cannot know right now. Other prayers I have prayed have crossed my mind in my struggle with God as well. I actually devoted an entire year once to understanding what the Bible meant by "knowing Him in His suffering and the power of His resurrection." I actually told God I wanted to understand what that meant! "Bingo, here you go, sister!" Believe me, I get the suffering part now... I'm ready for the power part, thank you very much!
So when I read the Oct 6th post about India titled, "So Here's the Thing - We're Non-Begging Beggars", I was again stopped and quieted. The last paragraph says this, "So I have begun praying for God to show me where I am desperate for Him. "Where do I need you most, God, and don't even know it?" Where is it that my soul hungers and thirsts for you?" "Where am I filling myself with busyness or pride or folly or food or apathy instead of coming to you and letting you fill me?" Wow, we should really be careful what we pray for. Honestly, some of these prayers I'm not sure I would pray again, though I think where He is leading me is to that sacred, deeply grateful place where we are actually wistful about our trials, knowing the closeness with Him is worth it all.
Sometime I'll have to write about that desperation. I have found exactly where I'm desperate for Him, but that will have to wait for another post. Maybe I'll see if anyone is reading first!
